Monthly Archives: September 2010

http://www.karlacavalli.com/2010/09/135-2/

YOU have to watch this new show I am obsessed with: “RU Paul’s Drag U”.
I watched one episode and I am hooked. Its genius. Not only because they dress up real women and make them look like fabulous drag queens. Feather boas, wigs, bad gowns, lip syncing, nose shading and all…
Also because Ru Paul has his own language. He says things to his “students” like:
“ConDRAGulations” and “Let’s see how you scored on your DRAGxamination?” or my personal favorito:
Ru refers to them as the “DRAGuating class of 2010”.
I am not sure why I find this Ru drag-language so funny. I think its kind of why I am also still (as an adult) so
obsessed with America’s Funniest Videos.
I sort of want to make up so many words with DRAG in it but all of mine sound stupid.
WHY can’t I be that creative? and funny? and witty? This is DRAGdiculous!
HA

PS: These are the camp counselors.

This Is Why I Have Rules!!!!

I have a few rules when it comes to dating/seeing men/boyfriends……for example.

NO BBM with a boy I’m involved with. It always creates drama. On both ends.
every time I’ve folded and said “okay, we can be on bbm it smacks me back in the arse”. 
NO BBM.
They get mad cuz I receive but don’t respond…I get mad cuz they bbm me constantly…and on and on….
Another example: NO exercising with boys. I have a friend, let’s call her Melanie. She always hikes with guys.
She LOVES hike dates. Me- NOT so much.
Why? cuz ur sweaty, and in ugly workout clothes, and smelly, have swamp crotch and do not look cute. It also doesn’t help that I huff and puff and wheeze like a 90 year old biddy who smokes two packs a day.  
(disclaimer: melanie always looks cute on a hike- no bra cuz her nice fake tits stand up straight and perky. a teensy bit of mascara, hair down, and some just see through enough and loose enough shirt that you can tell how “please eat a burger” skinny she is. Yes, I’m jealous)
ONward……So I decide to hike this morning with me new beau.(no I’m not Scottish but sometimes I make a typo like this one and kinda like it, so leave it) 
We are a little over 3 months in…big mistake. Too soon basically.
You see, I get overheated very very easily. It was probably about 89 degrees and the blazing CA sun was beating down right on my head.
Now, there is no..cute hairdo, flushed pink cheeks or pheromones pumping at this point.
Just tomato face, underboob sweat and hairy pasty white legs coming out from under my old faded jazz pants that I have to fold above my thighs I’m so hot.
When I say tomato face I mean like…it looks like someone just smacked me across every inch of my mug with a 2×4 about 150 times.
Or maybe I walked in the Sahara desert for 5 days straight with baby oil on my face.
Or maybe, my friends 3 year old daughter asked me to play circus and she painted my face with dancing poodle blood.
Okay- that was dark.
Moving on……I was hot and bothered and struggling and we had not even gotten to the difficult part yet- the stairs.
Shit.
“Okay Karla…don’t embarrass yourself. You are not THAT out of shape. Pretend your fine. Its almost over. Keep pushing.”
I wasn’t fine.
I needed to stop over and over again in shady parts of the trail. At this point I am mortified and may just throw up the sunny side up eggs he made for me for breakfast. Ketchup and all.
Gross.
So we are up the stairs at this point, albeit slowly. I tried my best to push through and act like I can easily handle all this but I am pretty sure it was written all over my face that is throbbing and scarlett like a skinned cat.
ok Gross again. Sorry.
 Let me inform you that this new beau….is 7 years my junior. 
Clearly in shape and having an easy time of what seems like MT. Kilimanjaro to me. 
Crap Karla!- you broke another rule…..no dating younger men. I was waiting for it to bite me in my over sexed ass. Our libidos are in perfect harmony. Clearly our stamina for work outs was not. 
How unsexy, how unattractive for me not to be able to hang on a simple hike. 
THIS IS WHY I DON’T HIKE WITH BOYS!!!!
I am NOT that out of shape, I just smoked like a chimney and cannot deal with the blazing hot meteor that was sending me into overload like Drew in Firestarter. But an old lady version.
Anyway….We got to the water fountain, I doused myself. Putting mildly cold water on my wrists like my father to cool myself down. Then gulped so much water that I was pretty sure the drive down the canyon was going to make me yuke in his BMW. Again, even sexier.
I warned him not to come near the bathroom in case I blew chunks really loudly. I was mortified for him to hear. Too soon, Too soon.
I took a frozen shower. Wet my hair but didn’t bother to actually wash it because my arms were like limp spaghetti. How lazy.
I then laid down in my bed naked and again too exhausted to put any clothes on. I included a photo of that for your viewing pleasure.

Face still piercing red like an orangutans ass.
My loving new beau brought me some water and a cold compress for my forehead.
I rested while he showered off his cherubic glistening sweat.
I have NO idea why, maybe because I was naked but he returned to the bedroom and seemed like he wanted to “get busy”.
Did he forget about the near pukefest that almost happened? Or about my inability to keep up with him because I’m old and am on the brink of emphesyma. Does Demi have these issues?
I was immobile and pink faced. Not exactly the Pussycat Doll I used to be.
But I needed to redeem myself. Didn’t I?
This young stallion adores me. NO matter what.
Well…..20 minutes later I felt a f&%k of a lot better.
Moral of the story- stick by your own rules.
No hiking with boys.
Okay…scratch that. Its not the moral of the story. I always get my morals f-ed up.  Below is a convo regarding this entry between me and my friend Jhari who is way smarter than I. (her name is Shari but I call her Jhari- private joke)

shari: but edit the moral of your story
shari: haahaha
KARLA: hahaha what’s the moral?
KARLA: i don’t even know
shari: well you basically tell everyone that you shouldn’t exercise with boys but at the end of it, you get sex and feel better and he wasn’t at all put off by you
KARLA: ya
shari: so i’d say the moral is, breaking rules is sometimes more rewarding
KARLA: ahhhhh
shari: its the opposite
shari: because you end up with something satisfying, why would you NOT want that result?
KARLA: ur smart
shari: gracias
shari: it confused me at 8 am but once i had time to think about it
shari: hahaha
shari: i mean, i’d say its pretty fucking awesome if you are in a panic about how you look, smell, etc. and your guy doesn’t think anything of it, he just wants to bone you.
shari: like you were all worried for nothing, he loves you for exactly who/what you are
shari: it’s pretty great
KARLA: yup
KARLA: it is
shari: moral of the story should be something more like, if you make rules for yourself, you might miss out on learning something much more impressive about your partner
shari: or somethign
KARLA: god ur genius
KARLA: i cant figure out my own morals. shit
shari: hahahha


How can we avoid the past?

Last night my beau and I went to see Scott Pilgrim Vs, The World….
I must say this movie was terrifically awesome.  Although the fighting got a bit much at the end and just when you thought there was more to come it thankfully came to a peaceful state.  It was creative, inventive, interesting and totally encompassed teenage want that can easily be related to adult relationships.
My beau actually saw the movie for the real message……how can we get over the past when we start a new courtship?

Battle our one true love’s exes??? With light sabers and comic book Kung Fu?  Wouldn’t it be amazing if it was just that easy?  Instead we have to wait for the demons of the past to come up randomly and haunt our new found blissful state. Usually at the most inopportune moments.

For instance a month and a half in….a lovely breakfast at the local cafe after a night of drinking, dancing, and the horizontal mambo. Pure heaven:  Throw on a hat, ripped jeans a rocker t-shirt, makeup still on from last night and my hair isn’t even brushed. Why bother? Love is blind isn’t it?
All is well with the world as you exit the car holding hands skipping down the street with your new love until you unfortunately see a familiar scalp from behind sitting at the very cafe you are headed for.  Not even technically an “ex” so to speak but a recent crash and burn of a dating escapade that truly sunk like the Titanic, except much much faster.
Regardless, what to do? I reacted exactly as Ramona Flowers (Scott’s love interest upon which the entire movie is based) I had…tried to stay cool. Try to ignore the fact. But like the idiot that I am I made some very shocked, quiet, bizarre noise with my throat when I saw the back of that scalp.
New adorable, wonderful, angelic, sweet, loving beau heard it and naturally asked what was wrong.
DAGNABIT..why didn’t my throat just shut up! I could’ve avoided the awkward moment and conversation that followed altogether.  This person was so inconsequential also! Argh….now, not so much.

How do we avoid the past when it gets thrown in your face so often?  Not once had I run into scalp man as a single woman since the plunge into icy waters. Of course now he’s at every location my cherub and I decide to waltz through.  Fate, what are you trying to teach me damnit?

I guess we have to fight the exes and the past with words; sensitive, loving conversations. The likes of which this gal detests.  Instead of ninja stars and light sabers we have to use delicate discussions and specifically chosen vocabulary so as not to insult the other.
Much less violent.
Unless you have had the lovely experience of having a motorcycle helmet flung at your cranium by an ex’s ex . Yes, I have.  I almost would rather have to duck protective gear for the rest of my life than have those coarse moments explaining who someone is.

  I always get the “moral of my stories” wrong….so choose it as you will. But seriously….I kinda wanna live in a world where my one true love actually has to fight my 7 evil exes to prove his love for me. (FYI- cherub totally would)
It would really make it so cut and dry. Easy peasy. If you have the drive and ambition to push through that kind of physical pummeling then you really truly want to be with me, forever. As opposed to going MIA 6 months in because some 21 year old caught your eye at the water cooler.  I digress.
Point is…..waging a crusade against all exes in the first few weeks of a relationship would totally avoid a whole lot of drama.

note: spell check insisted I write “exes”- which I thought looked weird.

Shaq VS.>>>>>

Shaq has some weird television show where he challenges other celebrities for money or something. I don’t know what it’s about…all I know is that tonight’s episode that was on in the background while I trolled around the world wide web reading people’s funny blogs fending off Dante’s Inferno… well tonight was Shaquille O’Neill (sp? who cares?) versus teen sensation Justin Bieber. The highlight of the episode was when…
Justin went on stage in front of a thousand screaming teeny-boppers and the first thing bellowed in his deep puberty stricken voice was
“Who wants to be my Baby?”
And I kinda strangely wanted to be his baby at that moment.
Is that creepy?

Thank goodness you are safe my lovely daughter!

Oh Mother…

My Mother is truly one of a kind. For example, I just told her about my near death experience this past weekend.

I was on the way to the drive-in movies with my man and the front gate attendant told us we had a flat tire.

So we did an about face and decided to get it fixed asap and exited the theatre. As we left dozens of cars were racing out of the lot and we could not figure out why.

As we fixed the tire at the nearby gas station we saw tons of cop cars and a police helicopter surrounding the drive in! Sirens on, lights a blaze and they were holding all vehicles.

There was a shooting at the Drive IN!!!! Talk about lost innocence. We narrowly missed driving straight into the line of fire.

So, I told my Mother all this…and her immediate response is:

“It was a stupid movie anyway. Wasn’t funny at all.”

My new obsession:

Ultime. I am in love with this horse. My man’s parents own horses and they so graciously allow me to ride as often as I would like.  It brings me total and utter happiness. From the moment we step on to the ranch grounds I am like a four year old in the parking lot of Toys R Us.  Ultime has figured out that I am not as Alpha as she is. She likes to stroll and take total advantage of the amateur rider that I am. (Although I must make an admission here…..the owner of the ranch says “Karla, you have a great seat”.  Not really the first time I have heard that. wink wink honk honk.)  I am determined to become an awesome rider. I want to ride like I lived on horse my whole life. Sorta how I dance. It is my mission. Mark my words my friends….I will ride and ride well.
Please disregard the geeky helmet. I know, I look like Marvin the Martian. Hush.

Blog Envy.

Hey world…

So I am feeling some blog envy. Is that awful to admit? I see all these interesting people blogging all over the web.

Everyone I know insists i look at their friends blog and their cousins blog etc etc. Every word is so witty, the observations so clever, the poems are beautiful and the people all wear Wayfarers. How predictable.

I don’t wear Wayfarers. I wear Aviators. Yeah, I liked Top Gun. Sure, you can call me Maverick.

How do I make my entries interesting too? How do I brood via the keyboard? How do I try and connect with an audience without writing haikus?

Well, I will fully admit that in the future I will talk about pop culture- yes cheesy stuff. I will chat about dumb reality tv.

I will also mention a few little diddies about my shallow existence in Los Angeles.

I probably won’t quote some romantic late 1800’s romance novel that I truly cant seem to get past page 12 on.(Wuthering Heights)

I would love to post adorable pics of myself wearing really hipster outfits in front of a spray painted brick wall downtown.

But I don’t have a brooding photographer boyfriend. crap.

Guess I am stuck….being me. Writing as I do. Mostly nonsense but nonsense that I enjoy. Nonsense that makes me laugh.

DRAT!

I have been looking forward to a hike all by my lonesome all day today. All I wanted was to exercise and be one with nature and my IPOD.   Finally the sun is setting and the weather is cooler so I make the time this evening to hike, alone. Lately I have gone with other people which is always nice but I was really really in the mood to jam to a little Journey, MJ and Gypsy Kings- alone.
I arrive to the parking lot and guess what? MY IPOD WAS DEAD. deceased . a goner. well not really…..just had no battery.  But boy was I annoyed.
I know it sounds silly and I should’ve just trudged up that mountain and listened to the sounds of the wind and creatures rustling in the bushes but I couldn’t do it. I had to turn around and go home to charge my freaking ipod. As if it was my lifeline. I don’t even use it like some people do but because my heart was set on running with it I had to have it. NO time to go off course from the plan. No room for a detour. I had to do what I set out to do. Now I am home charging it…and I am sure when its charged I will be way too lazy to actually exercise. arghhhhhh